Dysregulated. WTF does that even mean?
My nervous system was on fire for my entire life. I didn't know it until it wasn't.
My nervous system was dysregulated my entire life.
Every conscious hour, for as long as I can remember.
I know because I discovered what the opposite of dysregulation feels like.
What a regulated nervous system actually feels like inside the body.
It’s as if you were a completely different person.
Not a better version.
A different person.
When you’re dysregulated, everyone else’s problems are suddenly yours to solve.
Everyone else’s emotion is yours to process.
You don’t choose that.
It simply happens.
If you’re empathic, you may relate.
I’m a mega empath.
I have zero control over it.
However, I have Jedi-level detection for disturbances.
It’s like having an antenna I was born with.
I pick up on people’s energy whether I want to or not.
You can call it metaphysical. Fine.
Call it whatever you want.
I know it’s real because I’ve lived inside it my entire life.
Simply because science lacks the tools to detect it doesn’t make it non-existent.
“Barely, But Here”
is where the parts most people edit out get said aloud.
Here’s what my dysregulation looks like from the inside.
Hypervigilant.
Always on. 24/7.
Scanning for danger.
Scanning for things to avoid.
Scanning for what’s coming at you next.
Every trigger you can possibly detect…
You’re clocking it before it arrives.
That’s the whole operating mode.
Detect and avoid.
That’s it.
And here’s what nobody tells you about living like that.
It makes long-term memories difficult to build.
Everything is so immediate.
So in the moment.
You’re never in reflection long enough to warehouse your experiences.
To actually keep them.
They simply burn away.
You survive the moment.
Then there’s another moment.
Survive that one too.
No storage.
No archive.
Just the next thing, and that never ends.
The contrast between the two states is the entire thing.
Once you feel regulated, really feel it, you don’t want anything else.
There is no going back.
You’ve had a taste, and that’s that.
Here’s how I’d describe it.
A mountaintop lake.
Glass surface.
Completely still.
Not a single thing disturbing it.
A perfect mirror of the mountain range behind it.
That’s what it feels like.
Serene.
That word is exactly right.
Not relaxed.
Not calm in a tired way.
Serene. A comforting stillness.
Like the world stopped vibrating for a minute.
That’s a regulated nervous system.
Now I’m able to describe the feeling, and that’s my reference point.
That point began showing up between late February and early March of this year.
A slow unfolding.
A little better each day.
It was imperceptible at first, because there are always “flash in the pan” moments where for perhaps 10 seconds you genuinely laugh until the dysregulation reminds you why you shouldn’t be.
Sometimes the reminders bring a host of heavy mental luggage no one wants to carry.
That said, I’ve been meditating daily.
1,450 days
One thousand four hundred and fifty days.
That’s what my meditation app congratulated me on yesterday.
My 149th milestone was achieved in my meditation practice with this announcement.
I don’t keep track of these things; the app does.
It provides all milestone reminders.
“Wow!” literally came out of my mouth when I saw that number.
I had no idea.
And it occurred to me that was beyond 3 years, but I wasn’t sure exactly how much time 1,450 days is.
1,450 days ≈ 3.97 years
That’s about 3 years and 355 days
Or roughly 4 years minus 10 days
So as of today, I am 9 days away from my 150th milestone.
4 years of daily meditation practice.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Whether you want to show up or not.
Especially when you don’t want to show up.
That’s doing real work.
Centering.
Grounding.
Keeping me in it.
My situation right now is not what I’d choose.
It’s not ideal.
Not even close.
However, making myself miserable about it is going backwards.
I’m creating my new problem on top of my problem.
So I choose not to go there.
If you’ve spent your whole life dysregulated, you might not even know it.
Because you lack anything to compare it to.
You simply think that’s what life feels like.
Or perhaps you’ve never thought about it at all.
Never crossed your mind for whatever reason
That constant hum of being on alert.
That low-grade exhaustion of always being on.
Normal. Right?
It’s not.
Until next time…
Be well.
Bert.
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The 1,450-day number surprised even me when I saw it. I had zero idea.
The app told me.
That's the thing about showing up every day: you stop counting.
You just do it.
And then one morning the number is right there in your face, and you go, "Wow."
If you're somewhere in the early days of any kind of practice, meditation, therapy, journaling, or whatever, keep going.
You won't feel it for a while.
Then one day you will.
Be well. 🙏